In my world, there are two types of people:

• People who are desperately trying to control their spending habits and feel borderline out of control or unable to cut back

• People who are so obsessed with frugality that the act of spending money (whether necessary or not) causes physical pain

It certainly begs the question – 

Does anyone have a healthy relationship with their spending, or is everyone just hopscotching between extremes?

Regardless, a lot of personal finance content focuses on trying to get people to spend less. Here’s what your daily latte is costing you! Sell your Mercedes! Invest in a wardrobe of fitted burlap sacks and swear off the Anthropologie sale section forever!

Rarely do we take a minute to address the other extreme of people: those who don’t need to be told to stop spending. Those who need to be told, “Hey, money is for spending. You don’t have to self-flagellate for spending $4 on an almond croissant on a Sunday morning.”

How do you spend money guiltlessly when you’ve decided you’re going to?

As someone who is absolutely in the, “I’d rather paint my face using 10-year-old drugstore foundation with a damp dish sponge than spend money,” camp, know that the things I’m about to tell you are things that I’m constantly telling myself, too. (Because – surprise! – these articles are usually more about me finding a sort of financial catharsis and then publishing it for thousands of strangers to judge than anything else. Whoops.)

Granted, if you’re someone who needs the AmEx physically removed from your clutches in order to live below your means, you probably don’t need this advice. But know that you, too, can develop an unhealthy relationship with frugality if you beat yourself down hard enough! Woohoo!

Reminder #1: The intent of having a budget that prioritizes saving and investing first is providing the ability to guiltlessly spend what’s leftover.

If you’re using a tool like the Wealth Planner that makes a recommendation for your minimum save rate upfront, know that the intent is to help you determine what you CAN spend every month without feeling bad about it.

Obviously, the more you can save, the better – but if you’re someone that’s already saving more than half your income (or thereabout), take a step back with me for a moment – this isn’t about comparing yourself to anyone else or using relativity to feel better, but rather to recognize that if you’re already hitting your saving and investing goals, the leftovers are intended for spending.

Where people get themselves into trouble is creating a budget wherein all spending considerations are determined upfront, then the saving and investing decisions are made using whatever’s left over. If you’re the type of person who has a hard time spending, I have a feeling that wasn’t your approach to your budget. Honor the fact that you’ve prioritized your saving and investing goals, and give yourself permission to spend what’s left.

And if you feel like your budget allots TOO much money for spending, then revisit it! Your budget should change and evolve with you. If, in your gut, you know you could be doing better, rebuild the plan to reflect that. Then, resume living your life – guilt-free.

Reminder #2: The ability to sustain your financial plan as an enjoyable lifestyle over time is ultimately the most important contributing factor to you reaching your goals.

Taking an overly extreme approach to saving is a little bit like crash-dieting. You might see insane results upfront, but ultimately, you won’t be able to keep it up long enough for it matter.

Building a lifestyle that you enjoy – one that makes you feel supported, relaxed, and content – is one that you won’t have any trouble maintaining for years to come.

Because let’s be honest: Any plan that forces you to feel constantly uncomfortable and guilty isn’t going to work for more than a few weeks or months.

Know that you’re going to get further ahead by allowing yourself the small indulgences along the way instead of denying yourself at every turn. The compound interest calculator has a dark side, and the personal finance community loves to whip it out to shame each other for basic, normal decisions – “Your $8 burrito dinner would become $1,000 over the next 30 years!”

Take a step back and don’t let anyone weaponize compounding: Ask yourself (really, ask yourself) what balance feels right to you. In fact, take it to its logical extreme: What if you really did look at a compound interest calculator every single time you wanted to buy something? Would you lock yourself in your basement with a bag of rice and a can of beans and re-read old Goosebumps novels from middle school to avoid risking spending a few bucks on your own happiness?

Life is hard. Especially during a pandemic. If a few little pleasures brighten your day and enable you to keep this plan for the long-term, those pleasures themselves are an investment in your own longevity.

Reminder #3: Apply a value-based spending approach – as long as you’re not on autopilot, you’ll make good decisions.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with spending money. Where I think we get it wrong sometimes is that we tend to spend money mindlessly. Bored? Spend. Tired? Spend. Sad? Spend. Happy? Spend!

When we’re zombie-swiping through our lives at every twist and turn, we’re screwing ourselves on two levels:

1. The money is gone

2. We aren’t even enjoying or deriving value from what we’re exchanging it for

Whether the purchase you’re thinking about is big or small, look at it through the lens of the value it’s going to bring to your life: Are you buying it because you’ve always bought it? Or because you know it’s going to truly enhance your life in some way, big or small?

A big part of giving yourself permission to spend when you’ve decided you’re going to is reminding yourself of the intent of the purchase: That goes for a splurge-y $5 cortado at noon on a Monday because it’s dreary and you’ve got five hours of meetings ahead of you, or the Peloton you’ve been eyeing for years that would streamline the shit out of your morning routine and blast you with endorphins for years to come.

“I’m trading $X for a commensurate (or greater) amount of value that this purchase is going to bring to my life.” Big or small, it’s worth acknowledging explicitly if you find yourself experiencing guilt or shame around spending.

Final thoughts

Being a high-achieving, goal-oriented person determined to hit financial goals isn’t a bad thing, but it can definitely be taken to a self-defeating extreme. Remember the point of the financial freedom you’re gunning so hard for: Happiness.

Let’s flesh that out:

Why am I trying so hard to save as much as possible/invest every penny/avoid frivolous spending?

So I can reach financial freedom.

Why do I want financial freedom?

So I can be free!

Why do I want to be free?

So I can control my time.

Why do I want to control my time?

So I can be happy.

The end goal is happiness. The end goal is not sitting hunch-backed atop a mountain of hundred-dollar bills and casting out impulse purchases with disdain forever. It’s to give yourself the time and freedom to really enjoy your life!

Denying yourself all the enjoyment and happiness now in order to be happy later is counterintuitive. You can hit your goals and still allow yourself to enjoy the money you’ve deemed “spendable.” Ignoring every pleasure along the way may get you there a few years sooner, but it means the years it does consume will be pretty sad.

It’s a journey in trusting yourself to make good decisions. And when you don’t make a good decision, it’s an opportunity to learn what you value and what you don’t. Guilt-free.